The Hideout

In Fiction on February 21, 2013 at 9:56 pm

Old barn and white picket fence

The Hideout

“This is it?” Sam asked. “This is the hideout?”

The barn was slumped like a beggar, rotten planks buckled under creeping ivy. Tendrils choked the yard, climbing the bright white fence like swarming snakes.

“Isn’t it great?” Jake asked. “I’ve found loads of cool stuff: bottles, bones—even a knife.”

Jake started toward the back, where a hole gaped black and jagged in the side, and beckoned Sam to follow.

“Don’t you wonder, though?” Sam asked.

“What?”

“Who paints the fence?”

Just then, somewhere up the road, the boys heard the faint sound of tires in the gravel.


Happy (almost) weekend everyone! In accordance with the law of the land (this land, anyway) I hereby post this response to this week’s Friday Fictioneer’s prompt (photo courtesy of Janet Webb).

You know the drill by now: Click the little blue guy for more stories, and hit me up with your comment lovin’ below!

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  1. Mysterious what is the hole and who is coming. You left this reader wanting more.

  2. I like that you, like me, picked up on the fact that the fence looks regularly maintained. I almost wrote a hideout story . . . yours is much better than mine would’ve been. You did a good job of bringing the barn to life.

  3. Superb…nice tension, .and wonderful description of the barn..

  4. Dear Brian,
    A well constructed story. You made me see and feel.
    one note of constructive crit that you may take or leave…”The barn was slumped like a beggar…” might be stronger if you took out the passive was…”The barn slumped like a beggar.”
    shalom,
    Rochelle

  5. Oooh! I love this one Brian. You have absolutely captured the adventure of the boys and the tension of the truck coming towards them. I’m on edge for the rest of the story!

  6. Descriptions that make me see it (even if there weren’t a picture) and lots of tension.

    janet

  7. I want to know what’s in the hole!

  8. Hi Brian,
    I loved poking through old barns when I was a kid and actually I still do. So this had a very nostalgic feel to it. The mystery is, why would someone maintain the fence and let the barn fall down? Ron

  9. Astute observation. Dilapidated barn surrounded by a super nova bright white picket fence. I wonder how they paint around the vines… Fun stuff!

  10. Full of suspense – enough leads here to make me feel uneasy…

  11. Lol…great excerpt for dumb crook news

  12. God, I really loved this. My first try was about that fence. It is so obviously newly painted – as if by magic – or perhaps by the maniac up the street….

  13. this reminds me of one night in the way back when everyone slept out, and we all met in the driveway of a house, blanketed by trees across from Happy’s golden donut shop. It opened at 5:00 but we were sitting in the drive in a circle waiting when a car pulled in and we all hollered and ran off in every direction…. I wonder what an image that must have cut for the driver coming home.

  14. i really liked the description, the suspense and the mysterious ending. great job 🙂

  15. Loved the suspense and the description of the barn “slumped like a beggar.”
    Well done
    Dee

  16. oh no, what’s coming, who’s coming…great suspense.

  17. What a great way to end that story. Such suspense. Loved it.

  18. Scary.. I can feel I was one of those boys somwhere long ago.

  19. Great descriptive writing. I particularly liked, ‘slumped like a beggar.’ I can’t imagine that those boys aren’t going to end up in trouble.

  20. I really like your descriptions and the dialogue, and the promise of … something 🙂

  21. It seems someone else may have considered it a safe place away from prying eyes. I think the boys should run while they still can.

  22. […] Related: The Hideout // Silence // The Pebble […]

  23. […] The Hideout // The Pebble // Patient […]

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