Anchors Aweigh

In Writing on June 22, 2012 at 7:23 am

Here we go with another Friday Fictioneers, care of Madison Woods and her shiny new website. This week’s picture prompt, my story, and a link to the other stories below.

I don’t usually take the approach I did this week, so even more than usual, constructive criticism is welcomed, encouraged, and will be rewarded with goblets of wine.

Damsel Fly

Anchors Aweigh

We sit in silence, our reels whirring, sinkers splashing. The shore is a shadow.

“Boat’s almost too small now,” I say.

He pulls in his line and casts again. The water slurps.  Damselflies dart through the mist, cutting grey trails above the lake.

“What do you think mom would say if –“

He holds up his hand.

“Robert, please,” he says, looking at me. Then just as quickly he turns in his seat and casts into the fog.

I can tell he is smiling.

“She’d probably have another heart attack,” he says.

*****

Again, constructive criticism is encouraged — and if you’re feeling generous with you criticism, check out my other fiction, including stories that are even longer than 100 words!

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  1. A bit of black humour here. It was well-written but leaves us with a few questions, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Mine’s on the list.

    • That it does; I’m hoping what’s there is still satisfying though – I try to give even the short stories that “click shut” sort of feel.

  2. Nice illustration of the relationship between the brothers as they grow into men. Just a snippet, just a hint. but then again just 100 words. Nicely done.

  3. Ooh, I love the slurping water and the cutting grey trails. Also: the shore is a shadow.
    Ours is in the InLinkz list but also here: http://www.lazuli-portals.com/flash-fiction/damselfly

  4. Awwww – I have that kind of family, too. Totally got the humor. And the description was so visceral! I swear I could have been in the boat with these guys. I am, however, humming Anchor’s Aweigh in my head, darn it!

    Kathy
    http://notforallmarkets.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/sobibor/

  5. I agree, the description is spirited. Good one, no suggestions come to mind.
    see mine: http://niftitalks.com/2012/06/22/fly/

  6. I love what you done but I defenately hunger for more I want to know what happens? what did they do? why would she have a heart attack? what is going on!!! 😀 Lovely story

    http://vsichalwe.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/friday-fictioneers-3/

  7. Are they forbidden to go offshore and fish? Is that why mom would have a heart attack if she knew? OK….Sh…..I won’t tell. lol Love it. Thanks for visiting mine.

  8. Nice story, Robert reminds me of my brother, he always worries about what mum might think.

  9. Nice feel…love the slurping water. Left me wanting to know more.
    http://www.rochelle-wisoff.blogspot.com/2012/06/homework.html

  10. Hi Brian, here’s my goblet’s worth for you! I absolutley loved the description you fed us here, the flies, the water, everything. And I felt the love between these two characters even through the tiny dialogue. So lots of pluses. However, on the negative side it left just a few too many questions for me – are they brothers or father and son? Are they on shore or on another boat? Is Mom dead or on the disappearing boat?
    In light of the wordlimit, I know you can’t give us everything ina piece like this (even if you wanted to), but so some reason this particular one left me just a little less satisfied than your usual offerings.
    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/friday-fiction-the-crossing/

    • Thanks for reading and thanks especially for the assessment. I worried that I’d left too many strands undone or vague or ambiguous, and I can see from the comments that my fears were warranted. To answer the questions, they are father and son, on a boat (there’s only one boat) and the mother is recently deceased.

      Never hit my stride with this one, so I’m glad I get to give it another go next week!

      • Ok, I wasn’t far off on my original reading, then. What you need is fewer commenters trying to confuse me with their comments about brothers!!! Pesky commenters – who needs ’em, eh?

      • Haha, well the fact that there were so many different readings says it all. A bit of ambiguity is a good thing; outright confusion not so much 🙂

  11. i just want to see if i have this right. is the boat too small because they’re getting bigger? was he about to ask about buying a new boat?

    • Nope, boat’s just too small because Robert’s all grown up, and he was about to see what mom would say about how well they’re getting along (probably could have broken the word limit for that one haha). Thanks for stopping by.

  12. Is one of them planning on joining the Navy? Is that why the title? I’m too deep in the waters to know. Loved the descriptions and the quiet feel and soft beauty you imparted to this piece.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/kaleidoscope/

  13. I think I read this that they were out on the river fishing after some time growing up had made the boat too small and perhaps not quite strong enough to carry them hence the problem with Mom …. nicely written though and I loved the way you dealt with the typical conversation between two siblings.

    Here’s mine for anyone else : http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/06/22/friday-fictioneers-gramps-and-me/

  14. I must say, if you wrote like this all the time I would go out of my way to visit you each and every week. This is an almost unfair thing to say because it implies I don’t already enjoy your work, which is false. You work is regularly solid. But the dark edge causes me to pause and savor.

    http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/flash-fiction-friday-shearing-placid/

    • Thanks! I really appreciate that, especially since I feel I sort of missed the mark on this one. Here’s hoping I can keep drawing you and everyone else back!

  15. I hope the upload of my musik for syn003 has worekd. I found the image quite calm and full of static(the look of the blurred reds/greens) and attempted to put this into sound. A little long perhaps?

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