For this week’s Friday Fictioneers post (care of Madison Woods) I thought I’d try something from a longer piece I’ve been thinking about for a while. This isn’t an excerpt, because nothing longer has been written yet — but it’s a look at one of the characters you’d meet along the way.
I’m definitely interested in constructive criticism this week so lay it on me.
Sugartooth
Anselmo stood at the basin scrubbing his hands long after they were clean. The mud was gone from the creases, leaving hard, sun-leathered skin. He’d served Mister Zucaro for forty years, but not once had he felt used, not until the arrival of the mainlander – this Callum Gallagher.
Anselmo was no man’s tool, but the money … his wife had insisted, Mister Gallagher’s offer was too good, and now he had to do this thing. He’d looked at these fields of green-prickled sugarcane for forty years, worked in this house and served this man for forty years, and now he had to watch it all burn.
And somehow his hands were clean…
***
The link for the other stories is right up there — check them out and post your links in the comments below!
“Who are you,” Caleb asked, “an escaped slave? Why are you holding me here?”
“I didn’t escape and I ain’t no slave,” the man said quietly, turning from the mirror, “and I ain’t holding you so much as you’re holding me: I shoulda been well north by now, but when I come to find you in the shape you was in…”
The man’s gaze drifted slowly to Caleb’s side, and suddenly Caleb remembered what had happened – the sharp bite of Colonel Grammar’s sword and the hard crack of the dusty ground, wetted by scarlet blood. He struggled to sit up, to see what the man could see, but pain blazed across his chest and down his arm…down his arm, but not all the way down… not to the wrist and not to the hand.
“It’s gone, Confederate,” the man said, almost sadly.
***
The Story So Far…Five Sentences at a Time
Chapter 1
The fog crept across the plain, wispy and wavering like a line of ghostly scavengers stooping low to inspect the dead. Caleb felt the dew it had deposited on his eyelids – cold, liquid coins — and awoke, sorely disappointed to find that he was still alive.
This week I knew right away how I wanted to deal with Madison Woods’ Friday Fictioneers photo prompt — hopefully that doesn’t make this a lazy story. Read, enjoy, comment and criticize, and then be sure to check out all the other stories with the link below.
Terroir
Through the glass, the sunlight made the wine shimmer like fresh-flowing blood. Helene watched as the fat man tipped it back, drinking it down in one gulp.
“What do you taste?”
He considered a moment. “It’s earthy, with a robust finish. Plums maybe? Oak?”
Helene sighed, but she smiled and nodded just the same. The tourists had such unpracticed palates. They never tasted them as she did, the bodies, buried deep where the vines curled playfully about their bones – through mouths packed with soil and ribs cracked by stones.
Her first harvest.
“Let me show you the cellars,” she said.
***
That little blue guy is holding the other stories hostage — go free them! If you enjoyed the story, maybe check out my Five Sentence Fiction or earlier Friday Fictioneers. I always appreciate good feedback!
Caleb’s dreams were dark and ribboned with terror: the faces of the dead (his mother, his father, his brother Gabe), rose to greet him as from a deep, clouded pool, flesh falling from their corrupted cheeks and peeling from their now lidless eyes; fires burned ungodly hot across fields of barley, devouring cattle and villager alike, blackening the sky with horrid smoke and searing his skin; severed hands groped toward him through the ashes as beetles and worms poured from their ragged ends; and all the while, Colonel Grammar’s bubbled face watched gleefully from behind a mask of swirling smoke.
When at last he awoke it was to a sharp, ripping pain deep within his arm, as though a hot nail were being drawn slowly through the marrow, rending the bone. He was fevered and weak and could scarcely move.
“Rest now, Confederate, less’n you take chill again and I lose you for truth this time,” a voice said beside him, deep and calm and sure.
Caleb twisted on the bed to find a man composing himself before a shattered mirror – eyeing him as he pulled a necktie tight to his collar, flashing white teeth in a smile — and suddenly Caleb’s fluttering heart grew quiet and still, for the man at the mirror was a negro.
***
The Story So Far…Five Sentences at a Time
Chapter 1
The fog crept across the plain, wispy and wavering like a line of ghostly scavengers stooping low to inspect the dead. Caleb felt the dew it had deposited on his eyelids – cold, liquid coins — and awoke, sorely disappointed to find that he was still alive.
A couple weeks back I did a Friday Fictioneers post that ended with some ominous crows; this week, birds figure in Madison Wood’s prompt, so I thought I’d try to take it in a slightly different direction from that other one.
Enjoy! Comments and criticism are welcome.
False Flight
The birds have amassed but they remain suspicious of their prize.
Their black eyes wink like stars in the waning light. Now and then, their wings unfurl and they shake the branches with false flight, but they do not descend — not yet.
I believe they are waiting for my spirit to leave its shell, but I, too, am suspicious…and afraid. My body is a day gone now, but my soul is newly wakened.
When Itake flight, I wonder, where will I go? Will I be carried by a breeze into the sky? Will I sink to the ground to rot?
Or will I quaver here until the birds have pecked me to my bones — swallowing my soul.
*****
Click that little blue guy up there for a whole list of great responses to the photo prompt.
When I was an undergraduate I took a poetry class and found it to be pretty tough going. Mind you, I’ve never found poetry easy, but when I was just starting out I was so frustrated by how bad my writing seemed that I almost gave up altogether. I understood the technical aspects — stresses and syllables and meter — but nothing I wrote ever really sang.
I went to meet with my professor and told him I had no problem writing song lyrics (I was in a pretty cool band called Funk Bus in high school), but I couldn’t get a handle on poetry. He asked me a pretty obvious question, then — one that I should have asked myself long before, and one that completely changed how I approached my writing from then on.
“What’s the difference between lyrics and poetry?” he asked.
The obvious answer: lyrics go along with music, poetry does not. In other words, with poetry, the music has to be built in. Nothing I wrote seemed to sing because, so far, I’d just been writing words (trying to make myself sound sophisticated and poetic, of course) but I’d been leaving out the music.
Woody Words and Tinny Words
It turns out that, in poetry, the way the words sound is almost as important as what the words are saying (some would say even more important), and though I never really kept up with the poetry, I’ve found the lesson of writing for sound is also useful when it comes to writing prose.
There’s a funny Monty Python sketch where they talk about Woody Words (“Carribou. Gone.”) and Tinny Words (“Antelope!”). And even though it’s funny it also hits on a truth: words have tone, and timbre and character.
Some words are sharp and crisp, while others are soft and warm, and they conjure up these feelings just by virtue of how they vibrate in our chests, how they shape our mouths and make us work our teeth and lips and tongues (just read that sentence aloud to see what I mean).
If you want to describe a comforting fire in a cozy hovel, you should use warm (even woody) words; as a matter of fact, the words comfort, cozy, hovel and warm all fit into that category.
You might want to use some words that accentuate the action of the fire, too. The embers crack and hiss, pop and snap.
While you’re at it, maybe the wind outside is cold and biting, sharp and stinging. The snow may be crisp and bright. Shards of clear crystal hang from the frosty eaves.
You get the idea.
Sound’s Good (Sounds Good)
If you’re looking for a general guide, words that sound in your chest and stomach, or pull your mouth into an ‘O’ shape, tend to have a warm, deep character. (Think M’s, long O’s, W’s, voiced G’s). Words that make you use your teeth and lips tend to feel sharp and hard. (P’s, T’s, C’s and K’s).
That’s just in general. The real lesson here is that you should read your sentences out loud — not just to see how they flow, but also to see how they actually sound. (Who knew, right?) Listen for how well the timbre and tone of the words you’re using fits with the feeling you’d like to convey.
It may not be immediately intuitive — it may not even seem important at first — but I promise if you pay attention to the sound of your words and not just the meaning, your writing will improve.
Colonel Grammar’s sword was out of the scabbard before Caleb had finished speaking, moonlight glinting on its honed edge – winking in the eyes of the skull etched in its ivory pommel.
“D’ya mean to frighten me, boy?” he said, stepping closer, dragging the tip of his sword on the hard ground. In an instant the blade flashed, and Caleb felt it bite, first at his left hand and then at his right, deep as bone, cutting a line up his forearm and across his chest.
Blood seeped through his linens, and Caleb staggered.
“Let me offer you a piece of advice,” Colonel Grammar said, circling as Caleb sunk toward the blood-speckled ground, “when you aim to kill a man, don’t give him so much as a word of warning, let alone a goddamn lecture.”
——————————————————————————-
The Story So Far…Five Sentences at a Time
The fog crept across the plain, wispy and wavering like a line of ghostly scavengers stooping low to inspect the dead. Caleb felt the dew it had deposited on his eyelids – cold, liquid coins — and awoke, sorely disappointed to find that he was still alive.
Here’s to another week gone by and another Friday Fictioneers care of Madison Woods. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.
Ky’awe
He sat at the base of the gorge, his ankle crushed, ghosts watching from the cliff above. It had been more than a day since sweat last cooled his skin.
I am a turtle, he thought wildly, turned on its shell in the desert.
He could smell juniper, and the smoke of a fire built with piñon, though the nearest camp was miles away. He could feel a kind breeze on his skin, though the air was still and the sun was high.
Darkness flooded his eyes and he saw leaping flames, shadows dancing in the light. There was music, and the song of the shadows broke low and somber on the plains.
And then — at last — he felt the rain.
*****
For those of you who will wonder, my title, Ky’awe is a phonetic version of the Zuni word for water.
Again, criticism is more than welcome, and if you’d like to try your hand at some flash fiction, just head over to Madison’s website and submit your link!
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